the key to having an even better emotional connection with
your partner. "Slow s*x," an offshoot of the slow food
movement, seems to go against the grain of our cultural
bias. We tend to place a premium on doing everything
faster. Yet going "slow" can be very satisfying– especially
for women.
Women take an
average of ten to twenty minutes to become aroused enough
to climax, depending on the method and the individual
woman, according to Dr. Debbie Herbenick, PhD.
Because we tend to view s*x as a performance based
activity, it creates a lot of pressure to "perform according to
the norm." This has two outcomes: it makes men worry that
they'll finish too soon, and it makes women insecure about
taking too long. I believe there's a different approach to s*x
that not only takes the pressure off of everyone and
dramatically increases everybody's pleasure, but actually
has the potential to change the way we live our lives
outside the bedroom as well.
I suggest an approach to s*x that makes a deeper intimate
connection, rather than climax, the main point of a s*xual
encounter. This approach is rooted in Tantric philosophy,
where the focus is on finding the Divine in everything,
including s*x. At the very least, using these tips will give
you a chance to get better acquainted with how your body
responds to sensual stimuli and will increase your
emotional connection with your partner.
1. Start by putting aside 10 minutes to gaze into each
other's eyes. This isn't a staring contest; the goal is to bring
you closer. Sit comfortably facing each other and gaze into
your partner's non-dominant eye. Most of us are right
handed, so you'd gaze into his left eye. It's ok to blink, and
you can even try a smile. Don't be surprised if this is a little
challenging at first; we're not used to gazing deeply into
another's eyes.
2. Breathe together. As you get more comfortable gazing
into each other's eyes, add your breath. Just let your own
breath come naturally, in and out through your nose if you
can. Your partner will adjust his breath to match yours.
You can place your hand on his heart, and he can have his
hand on your heart, if you're having trouble synchronizing
your breath.
3. Have some cuddle time. Dedicate at least thirty minutes
to snuggling and cuddling with your clothes on. You can
kiss, but don't go past "second base." Don't be discouraged
if you don't make it the full thirty minutes! If your partner
gets impatient, lighten things up with humor.
4. Next, bring out the massage oil and take turns giving
each other a back rub. Use long, slow strokes with
moderate pressure and don't go below the waist. After at
least five minutes, you can rub your chest along his back.
5. Learn How to OM: Last, but not least, consider learning
how to "OM." Author Nicole Daedone teaches the practice
of OM, or orgasmic meditation. In Daedone's new book,
Slow s*x: The Art and Craft of the Female climax she
explains the practice– which combines the tradition of
extended climax with Zen Buddhism, mystical Judaism and
semantics.
According to Daedone, "OM is a practice of being fully
present in the moment. Its a practice that strips away the
thoughts of what should be, and engages you in what
actually is. By putting your full attention on the point of
contact between the two of you, everything else drops away
except the sensation in the connection.
Truth is the greatest turn on; the truth of sensation and
desire. There is no room here for judgements or
resentments, there is just the two of you remembering you
are intimately connected."
Each of these tips can stand alone. You may breathe
together, then skip the cuddle time. Or you may decide to
stop after cuddling. You might decide to incorporate
breathing together into your daily routine. Remember, the
idea is to increase intimacy, and intimacy has two sides:
er*tic and emotional.
Both are important to long term happiness in a relationship.
Just remember to take it slow.
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